The Difference Between Hardwood Floors and Carpet - Caleb Jones

I’ve been living in my new house for a few weeks now. It has hardwood floors. As a man who has lived 100% of his life up until now in carpeted homes, allow me to educate you on the differences between hardwood floors and carpet.

With carpet, if someone accidentally drops an item on the floor, the impact makes no sound.

With hardwood floors, if someone accidentally drops an item on the floor, the impact makes a loud CLACK! sound that terrifies everyone, including animals, for a three block radius.

With carpet, if someone accidentally drops a reasonably delicate item, the item might break, but it usually won’t.

With hardwood floors, if someone accidentally drops a reasonably delicate item, the item is not only guaranteed to break, but will likely shatter into many tiny shards, causing certain words to come out of your mouth. Speaking of which…

With carpet, if you accidentally step on something small and sharp while barefoot or wearing socks, it’s irritating but no big deal.

With hardwood floors, if you accidentally step on something small and sharp while barefoot or wearing socks, it stabs upwards into your foot, often piercing the skin, causing you to scream in pain and gushing blood all over your hardwood floors.

With carpet, when people speak, it sounds like people speaking in a room.

With hardwood floors, when people speak, it sounds like you’re in an empty amphitheater and sounds echo all over the place.

With carpet, if you want to have sex on the floor, you put a blanket down and have sex.

With hardwood floors, you can’t have sex on the floor, unless the woman is willing to have her tailbone snapped in half.

With carpet, if you want to kneel down to pick something up or work on something by the floor, you just drop down without any thought and start working

With hardwood floors, if you want to kneel down to pick something up or work on something by the floor, when you drop down, your god damn knee cracks in half, causing certain words to come out of your mouth, and forcing you to develop some kind of system regarding how to get down on the floor.

With carpet, when dogs and other animals travel across the floor, they’re completely silent.

With hardwood floors, when dogs and other animals travel across the floor, they sound like click-clacking choo-choo trains on steroids with sounds that echo throughout the home.

Hardwood floors are awesome.

7 Comments on “The Difference Between Hardwood Floors and Carpet

  1. I’ve always lived with hardwood floors. Many awesome events wouldn’t have happened if it had been carpets. Whenever I enter a home with carpets it feels like the owners are being too nice and clean. When it’s not clean it feels gross or down right repulsive. The least you can do is give your visitors some solid ground to stand on. I like to use a little shortcut: does the owner of this house have wood? Can it get hard? If yes, get hardwood.

    Rugs are a hazzle (aka you don’t value time) and carpets to be for pussies. Hardwood for life.

  2. “They sound like click-clacking choo-choo trains on steroids”

    My family has two small indoor dogs, so I know this sound well. Made me laugh out loud when I read, Caleb, haha.

    You will eventually get used to these things. I have lived with both carpet and hardwood, and i must say that hardwood is better than carpet for a myriad of reasons. I’ll never have carpet in my house (except maybe bedrooms). One thing that was mentioned earlier is rugs; what my family does is place small rugs (about the size of a welcome mat) in strategic spots in the kitchen to help with dropping things. In front of the fridge, the sink, and the pantry, currently.

    We also have one very large rug in the den to make it more comfortable to walk on. They’re easy to clean, so it’s like having the best of both worlds.

    If you find the right brand and style of rug, I’m sure that you’ll be more satisfied with your hardwood experience.

  3. Unless you are impressively fastidious (and sometimes even if you are) carpet quickly becomes disgusting. Vacuum cleaners never get all the grime and sand and shit that gets down in there. With pets the carpet can even pick up an odor that is hard to get out, even if you clean it regularly.

    It also doesn’t look as good as tile or hardwood.

    Carpet is much more easily stained or damaged.

    All the things you say about hardwood are right, but I still vastly prefer hard floors of some kind.

  4. If I ever get hardwood floors again, I will not have pets.

    I seem to inherit insomniac dogs that pace randomly through the night. “CLICK CLACK CLICK CLACK CLICK CLACK”

    Never again.

Leave a Reply

To leave a comment, enter your comment below. PLEASE make sure to read the commenting rules before commenting, since failure to follow these rules means your comment may be deleted. Also please do not use the username “Anonymous” or “Anon” or any variation thereof (makes things too confusing).

Off-topic comments are allowed, but Caleb will ignore those.

Caleb responds to comments in person, but he only does so on the two most current blog articles.

Related Posts

Begin typing your search term above and press enter to search.