The annual Illuminati meeting started like any other. Carlos Slim was late, but he was always late, and the other members proceeded without him as they did most years. As usual, the meeting was held in a remote castle deep within the Swiss Alps. Both the cloaking device and the three-mile radius refractor field shielded the castle not only from sight, but from satellites and radar as well.

The meeting was called to order by the Chairman, David Rockefeller. More machine now than man, at 101 years old and having recently faked his own death, the whirring and clicking of his cybernetic arms could be heard as he slammed the gavel, calling the meeting to order.

“Before we get on with our usual business,” Rockefeller droned with his robotic voice, “Representatives of the Former Empire would like to say a few words.”

When no one spoke, Gordon Brown jabbed an elbow into the side of Tony Blair’s head, waking him from a deep sleep.

“Oh, so sorry,” Blair stuttered, “Yes, well, as you can see in the balance sheets and surveys before you on page 147, immigration has become the number one problem as ranked by the rabble in the UK. If this continues to grow, we will no longer be able to keep the people from…”

“We need the destruction of Europe to slow,” Gordon Brown interrupted. He was clearly not in a good mood.

“Yes, well, yes,” said Blair, “If we could just…”

“Nein!” cried Angela Merkel from the opposite side of the table, “Zee destruction of Europe shall continue on schedule! I am in charge of ziss, and it shall be done!”

“Of course-ah,” chimed in Mario Draghi, smiling, dressed in his usual $200,000 suit, “Do not be eh stupido.”

“Yes,” Blair trembled, “Well, if you could see your way to…”

“Shut up, leet-tul man,” Vladimir Putin growled through is portable translator. When Blair tried to speak again, Putin snapped his fingers, and his two power-armored guards leveled M-47 phased plasma rifles at Blair’s tiny head, a high-pitched whirring sound clearly heard within the futuristic weapons.

“The destruction and conversion of Europe shall proceed as scheduled,” Rockefeller droned, “At least until such time as the New Empire takes control from the Current Empire. The New Empire may deem to spare Europe, or some of it, but that’s a decision they will make at that time.” With that, he nodded at Xi Jinping, who, flanked by his two young and beautiful Chinese concubines, simply nodded in return.

Blair nodded profusely. Brown frowned and glared at Merkel, but said nothing.

“Vee vill make sure our sectors in Europe continue to profit vom our wars,” Henry Kissinger said in his thick accent, also flanked by two concubines who were a fraction of his age. His voice was so low that many would not be able to hear without the microphone at his position. “So don’t vorry, my friends, don’t vorry.”

“We may not be able to keep that up forever, though,” Condozeea Rice warned.

At that, both George Bushes chuckled, so much so that the younger Bush had to quickly adjust the golden crown atop his father’s head.

“Now, now, don’t worry about that,” said the Elder Bush, still chuckling, “Our three friends over there will make sure there is so much internal political fighting that we can do whatever we want, isn’t that right?”

At that, George Soros and both Koch brothers nodded, smiled, and gave each other high fives. “Yeah,” said David Koch, “We’ll keep the left and the right in the USA so angry at each other that, as usual, they’ll barely pay attention to what we’re doing.”

“Indeed,” said Soros, nodding, “They are sheep.”

“And if they don’t,” issued a horrible, hissing voice from down the table, “Then we will kill them all. And eat them.” It was, of course, Hillary Clinton, the Lizard Queen herself, her mask now removed, her green, slimy skin bare for all in the room to see. As if to punctuate the point, she grabbed one of the mice from the small cage in front of her, unhinged her jaw, and popped it into her mouth. The Bill Clinton android sat next to her, powered off and lifeless, as it always was during these meetings. Having killed and eaten the real Bill Clinton over 20 years ago, the android’s resemblance to the former President was uncanny, even in its current frozen state.

“God dammit!” screeched Dick Cheney from behind is Darth Vader breathing mask, “We talked about this, Hillary. We’re not killing any large groups of first worlders unless we absolutely have to. I’m not going to tell you again, god dammit. Now go fuck yourself!”

The Lizard Queen hissed and barred her teeth. Cheney slowly rose from his seat to meet the challenge, his Darth Vader-like breathing now growing heavy, and ignited his red lightsaber.

“Order!” Rockefeller’s robotic voice shouted from the front of the table, “Dick, sit down! Hillary, we already voted, no mass killings of first worlders at this time.”

“What about that fucking bitcoin?” Jamie Dimon yelled. At that, almost everyone at the table groaned.

“Again?” said Jay Z in amazement, “You and your fuckin’ bitcoin, man.” His wife Beyonce sat next to him, pretending not to hate him.

“You guys aren’t taking this seriously!” Dimon yelled, slamming his hand on the table, “This bitcoin crap is a serious problem. We can’t just shut down the fucking internet!”

“I have a few ideas about that,” said Bill Gates, smiling.

“So do I,” said Jerome Powell, the group’s newest member, eager to prove himself.

“You two have enough work keeping the puppet President in line,” said Alan Greenspan.

“Don’t worry,” said David Koch, “Trump’s doing a great job for us. As soon as people get comfortable with him, we’ll get someone like Bernie or Al Fraken in there, and that will really piss everyone off.”

“Uh, not Al Fraken, Dave,” remindied his brother.

“Oh yeah, that’s right,” David continued, “In any event, it will be a fantastic distraction. Maybe we could even get Elizabeth Warren or Kamala Harris in as our ‘first female president.’” The Lizard Queen suddenly made horrible gurgling sound from the end of the table, but said nothing.

“Or we could just yank Trump out of office and get Pence in there for a while,” said Soros, “That might be even better.” Both Koch brothers slowly nodded their agreement.

On and on the meeting went, until Carlos Slim finally arrived, bringing everyone Krispy Kreme doughnuts. Kissinger and Newt Gingrich ate most of them, and the Lizard Queen scoffed when she saw there weren’t any of them that were human-flavored.

Despite the arguments, it was a good meeting.

They usually were.

Note to any idiots reading this: The above is satire, I don’t actually belive this, and it’s quite sad that we live in an era where I actually have to point that out.

Category: Fun

30 Comments on “It’s the Illuminati!

  1. I don’t actually believe this, and it’s quite sad that we live in an era where I actually have to point that out.

    But certainly you believe some of it? I kinda do, especially the part about Dubya and his dad as well as Cheney. Those three have been manipulating things for a LONG time now lol.

    You forgot to place Conor McGregor in that meeting. He is an MK Ultra after all, at least according to this article haha.

    You also forgot to place any given androgynous person in that meeting too, most conspiracy theorists believe that they are Illuminati puppets as well.

  2. My favorite thing of this year’s meeting was how Fidel Castro left his son home because he didn’t want him to embarrass him in front of the other evil guys.

    He just doesn’t know how to behave. Anywhere Justin Trudeau is becomes a cringe fest.

  3. Order!” Rockefeller’s robotic voice shouted from the front of the table, “Dick, sit down! Hillary, we already voted, no mass killings of first worlders at this time.”

     

    that was a good one. still must know a good amount to be able to portray them all as their cartoon versions!

  4. I’m a big fan of your blog and other writings, but this article is pathetic. The real idiot is the person that still can’t see ( or don’t have the balls to say) that there is a (mostly) hidden power structure that actually controls the world. Or as George Carlin says “Powerful people get together and actually run shit”.

    I’m not referring to you Caleb, clearly you know that is true. You explain it better than almost anyone. You don’t say “Illuminati” though, you say “Power elite” instead. That way, you can explain these facts to people without the usual tired, “Conspiracy Theorist” label being tossed at you.

    From what I understand people believe the term for the power structure can be called “Illuminati” because the elites use this term themselves. I’ve read some writings of a man named Albert Pike (33rd degree, Freemason Occultist, Grand Master and creator of the Southern Jurisdiction of the Masonic Scottish Rite Order) and he refers to themselves as the ” agentur of the Illuminati”.  Is Pike just some kook, or a liar? If so, why is there a statue of him (that will never be removed). Please explain to me what the difference is between the  terms “Power Elite” and “Illuminati” or even New World Order, other then how people perceive them.

    The mass immigration issues and this manipulated extreme (fake) Left/Right divide are deliberately manufactured to destroy the West, and you know it. You even named the people in this article. So why are you mixing this truth with ridiculous satire to muddy the waters? To make it look like it’s all ridiculous? People who can’t see this manipulation will throw the baby out with the bathwater. Whats the point of this? Why are you talking out of both sides of your mouth?

     

     

  5. But certainly you believe some of it?

    Of course, some of it.

    The mass immigration issues and this manipulated extreme (fake) Left/Right divide are deliberately manufactured to destroy the West, and you know it.

    I never said otherwise.

    Whats the point of this?

    1. Getting traffic so I can make money.

    2. Comedy.

    Why are you talking out of both sides of your mouth?

    How exactly am I talking about of both sides of my mouth?

    And why are you so angry?

  6. And why are you so angry?

    You should know why. It’s because you’re not using his language and not acting the way he wants you to act, which is to get mad and use your blog to start movements against them. I’m shocked you didn’t notice the collectivist language in that response.

    He’s resentful of your (and my) ability to laugh at this kind of stuff and use your energy to make things better in spite of it.

  7. My reaction to whoever is dissatisfied that this article isn’t conspirationist enough for their taste: OR, maybe, you know, as usual, the eternal human urge to see a mind behind mindless processes, to reduce complex large-scale phenomena to simpler plots made by a few designing minds, is getting the better of you.

    That there are people who conspire is certain; that the world is uncomplicated enough – and doesn’t have mindless impetus of its own – to just dance on their strings, is very unlikely.

  8. You should know why.

    Uh, thanks. I know he’s using collectivist language, but I want him to articulate why he’s angry and (try to) logically back up what he said, not you.

  9. Very funny. There is a lot of truth on it. The world is indeed in the hands of a few.

    Something I am genuinely scared of:

    We can’t just shut down the fucking internet!”
    “I have a few ideas about that,” said Bill Gates, smiling

    This PC totalitarian crap in the west could get so bad in the future, that the elite may try to shut down big parts of, or heavily censor the internet. As Blackdragon has said, manosphere sites like this may even end up becoming illegal at some point.

    Sad.

  10. This PC totalitarian crap in the west could get so bad in the future, that the elite may try to shut down big parts of, or heavily censor the internet. As Blackdragon has said, manosphere sites like this may even end up becoming illegal at some point.

     
    I’m waiting for the same thing, i think the “grassroots” push for net neutrality is a foot in the door on this stuff.  I’d put money down that in 10-20 years the government is going to start making sure the internet isn’t just free, but safe as well.  Because it isn’t censorship when it’s consumer protection and it isn’t a firewall when its the Great American Safe Space.

    All Hail The Lizard Queen!

  11. Cringe worthy. Don’t let the guy from india write your blogs any more.

    Please don’t read my blogs if they cause you to cringe. My blogs are for tough men, not snowflakes.

    Besides the satire, I’m curious to know your real opinion about that please.

    Sure. I’ll add that to my topics lists for this blog.

  12. How exactly am I talking about of both sides of my mouth?

     

    Because you clearly know that they do exist and are actively fucking up this world, as do a lot of your other readers. You just say “Power Elite” so you don’t get the called a conspiracy theorist, and put off people you can make money from.  Which is in fine course but me, I don’t give a fuck.

    Yet you write a  post that is seemly attacking people who do believe it? It was a good, funny satire at first but then at the end you wrote that you’re an idiot if you do actually ” believe it”. Clearly implying that if you believe in the Illuminati, then your an idiot.  Then in your reply to a comment you say that you do believe “some of it”. Are you calling yourself an idiot too Caleb?

     

     

     

    I want him to articulate why he’s angry and (try to) logically back up what he said

     

    Angry?  This is not personal. You like to debate, right? I’m simply challenging the tone of your article and trying to be direct by keeping it to a few paragraphs. I’ve posted here for years. Do I come off as angry to you?

    Are you insinuating that wherever someone challenges you they’re emotionally unstable? Like how Macro Investor also called you out on this  article and he’s a “snowflake”.

    You didn’t answer my question about Pike. He says the term “Illuminati” in his book.  I think he’s pretty credible. But so ahead and debunk Albert Pike if you disagree. Not to mention the “official” Illuminati that was started by Adam Weishaupt on behest of the Rothschilds in 1776. You know, the one that said that they will infiltrate every aspect of our society, and every time they’re discovered, they will just regroup and come back stronger than ever. Do you think that they just decided to give up and go away?

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Adam_Weishaupt

     

    I’d offer to debate this for your new challenge, but I don’t really think you disagree with me on this that much do you?

     

     

     

     

  13. Yet you write a  post that is seemly attacking people who do believe it? It was a good, funny satire at first but then at the end you wrote that you’re an idiot if you do actually ” believe it”. Clearly implying that if you believe in the Illuminati, then your an idiot.  Then in your reply to a comment you say that you do believe “some of it”. Are you calling yourself an idiot too Caleb?

    You misunderstood my entire article. I do believe in a small elite who make major decisions and pretend to be enemies when they actually aren’t. I’m not implying that anyone who believes in this stuff is an idiot, because I believe in it. Duh. I’m just having fun with it. And my little fun sent you on an angry rant…

    After everything I’ve written for years and years, do you seriously think I don’t believe in this kind of collusion at the highest levels? Really? You’re taking my little joke way too seriously.

    Do I come off as angry to you?

    Yes. Very.

    But so ahead and debunk Albert Pike if you disagree.

    I don’t disagree, and that’s what you can’t see because you’re angry. I’ve never read Pike, but I’ve read Jim Maars’ books on the Illuminati, they’re fantastic, and I agree with most of it. I’ve read all about Weishaupt, the Rothschilds, the Buildibergers, the Knights Templar (I wear a Knights Templar ring), the Assassins, Grandfather Bush’s involvement with the Nazis in WWII, and on, and on.

    You and I have no disagreement. The only problem is you’re angry, when you’re angry, you lose the ability to think rationally. Something to remember, my friend.

  14. Do you mind sharing why?

    Just for fun. I don’t believe in religion but I was raised Catholic so I have an odd reverence for Christian symbolism, and the history I’ve read about the Knights Templar is hugely fascinating to me. I plan on writing fiction regarding the Knights Templar later in life.

  15. I did reply to you. Maybe they deleted it…

    I didn’t see your reply, and I checked the comment spam folders to be sure.

  16.  I’m not implying that anyone who believes in this stuff is an idiot, because I believe in it. Duh

    So then why did you write:

    Note to any idiots reading this: The above is satire, I don’t actually belive this, and it’s quite sad that we live in an era where I actually have to point that out.

    Caleb, I just quoted the clear, concise statement that you wrote, in your own words: I don’t actually belive this

    You and I have no disagreement. The only problem is you’re angry, when you’re angry, you lose the ability to think rationally. Something to remember, my friend.

     

    I have no problem admitting when I’m angry or if I’ve been irrational, but I’m honestly just confused by you stating two separate, conflicting statements. The entire point of my original post was: ” Why are saying you don’t believe this kind of stuff when I know for a fact that you do?” that’s it.Perhaps we’re just arguing semantics?

    I don’t really care that much, this is a fucking chat blog, In fact, to prove that I don’t care that much, I’ll let it go right now.

    However, I do now wonder if creating a straw man argument of “You are so angry and emotional, therefore I am the logical one”  is part of your debating technique. I’ll be watching you for that in your next debates…

     

    I’ve read Jim Maars’ books on the Illuminati, they’re fantastic, and I agree with most of it

    Jim Marrs  (RIP) is where it all started with me. “Rule by Secrecy” to be exact. I started to search for some answers after The Bilgderberg meeting was actually happening in my city many years ago. It was completely obvious that all the most powerful people in the world were definitely there, yet no one would talk about it. The media completely ignored it.

    I will admit that I get angry at people being too stupid to see this still, in this day and age of the internet.It not even really much of a secret anymore. Bilderberg used to be weird “conspiracy theory” but now it even has a fucking Wikipedia page!

    There’s also a lot of  people who are aware, yet too cowardly to talk about it due to fear of others  reactions to them. To me, this is the reason why they’re still able to get away with fucking up our world.

  17. So then why did you write: Note to any idiots reading this: The above is satire, I don’t actually belive this, and it’s quite sad that we live in an era where I actually have to point that out.

    Why do you think I wrote that?

    Better yet, is there anyone else reading who would like to answer Steven’s question as to why I wrote that?

  18. So then why did you write: Note to any idiots reading this: The above is satire, I don’t actually belive this, and it’s quite sad that we live in an era where I actually have to point that out.

    Why do you think I wrote that?

    Better yet, is there anyone else reading who would like to answer Steven’s question as to why I wrote that?

    He meant he does not believe the whole thing.

  19. What do you think of Freemasons? That is an actual official organization but they sure are shady. I have met a member and when I asked what they do he told me charity, which might be true but I am sure they don’t only do charity, its more like they also do charity.

  20. He meant he does not believe the whole thing.

    Annnnd bingo. I don’t actually believe Koch and Soros are best friends, or that Hillary is a lizard person, or that you can make a mansion invisible.

    But if you’re MAD, you can’t make that distinction because you’re too busy being mad. And yes Steven, I have pointed that out to many people who have disagreed with me while they were mad, and I will continue to do so in the future.

    What do you think of Freemasons?

    I have no strong opinion about them. I think that 90% of the are just normal dudes who want to be part of a club, like Rotary. If there’s anything weird going on, it’s probably with that remaining 10%.

  21. Well, you could have just said that instead of dragging it out. It’s alright though, I enjoyed the interaction, despite you thinking I’m upset.

     

    I can give some insight on the Masons since my Grandfather was in fact, the leader of the local lodge of  the Scottish Rite Freemasons in the town we lived in (I was raised by my Grandparents).

    He never talked about it, but the story in my family is that he was approached by members of the Masons supposedly because of the aptitudes he possessed. He had a genius level IQ, apparently around 160. He was also Scottish from birth, which may have also been a factor. He eventually accepted and rose through the ranks over the years. Eventually becoming leader of his lodge. He even had his own Mason secretary that used to come over to the house all the time.

    He never told me what degree he was (I have estimated he was a Master Mason, at the very least) or what specifically they did. Yes, they did do a lot of charity work and shit like picking up trash on the weekends. I do believe that even at the lowest level, they had some limited, political type of power. For example, if they get arrested for drunk driving, they call their fellow Mason cop friends, and if they have to go to court, they have fellow Mason judges appointed for them. I certainly don’t recommend fucking with any of them, any more than you would a member of any other gang.

    Like Caleb said, even with power like that most of them are just regular guys.  They do not believe that they are Illuminati  or part of the one world NWO conspiracy.  They do perform rituals though, even the low level guys.  I have seen the paraphernalia in my house growing up. My Grandfather had a ceremonial dagger with a purple cloth and all of their weird books. But they have no idea that it’s actually worshiping Lucifer (just kidding, it’s the Lizard people)

    Albert Pike explained in Morals & Dogma how the true nature of Freemasonry is kept a secret from Masons of lower degrees:

    “The Blue Degrees are but the outer court or portico of the Temple. Part of the symbols are displayed there to the Initiate, but he is intentionally misled by false interpretations. It is not intended that he shall understand them; but it is intended that he shall imagine he understands them”

    There’s a  portrait of Pike hanging in all the lodges.That was one of the reasons I read his stuff, and subsequently discovered that the people at the top of the Masons like Pike (33 degrees +) are in fact, the real Illuminati. It was straight from the horses mouth.

    My Grandfather became disillusioned with the Masons toward the end of his life and quit (I wonder if that Jim Marrs book I gave him had anything to do with it?) Even still, at his death they reached out to my Grandmother and offered him a full “Masonic funeral”. She declined. To this day, they have never approached me with an offer of membership. I can’t imagine why?

  22. Funny article.

    Yes, there is no doubt a small group of powerful people who would love to eliminate borders so they can centralize authority.

    This has been the dream of dictators since there was first a dictator.

    If one of you is looking for a great big challenge in life, here it is.   Hell, half the time you can’t even control yourself or your significant other, but let’s add the entire planet to your plate.

    All it requires is a some owl worship and a requirement to “believe in something other than yourself”………because……you know……….they can’t have that!

    This is to be stuck in the category of “less than 2 percent chance” of happening, so absolutely don’t worry about it.

    Even with the liberals and rinos in the lead by a large margin, they always fuck it up, they always lose, and I have total faith this will continue for a very long time because it is now part of their biology.

  23. As I read in delight, I would have liked for Mother Nature to be here by me and ask of her:

     

    Dearest of Mothers, why don’t you make any female specimen with such a brain, capacity to understand reality (and a mental frame able to bear the weight of understandig, for this is what females seem to lack the most) and then irony and humour?

    You know, it would be nice to both hear something non-programmed and making some sense from them, and be allowed to tell them something non-programmed and making some sense.

    Why cannot it be?

    Being female itself Nature would probably answer like: Because “I can’t”.

  24. [joelsuf]

     

    You also forgot to place any given androgynous person in that meeting too, most conspiracy theorists believe that they are Illuminati puppets as well.

    Easy to deride “conspiracy theorist” are part of what serves the governing elite. They are an easily derided counterpart to the programmed, trustful masses.

    One can try to belong in neither group and look for what’s behind the veils (although it’s probably the least comfortable position) — for, surely, veils are in place at all times (as they should be, countries couldn’t be governed with sincerity).
    This is where to start getting a realistic idea about “conspiracy theory”.

    @Steven

    http://www.unz.com/article/political-sciences-theory-of-everything/
    this is where I saw the best map of “power in the USA” (along with a good article on it).

    As you see, it’s not about secrecy, and I think the Blog Owner irony is directed at who imagines power management in fantasy terms.

    The mass immigration issues and this manipulated extreme (fake) Left/Right divide are deliberately manufactured to destroy the West, and you know it.

    Here comes the place of our disagreement.
    What irony-ridden blog posts like this try to say is the “destroyed” are merrily easing their “destruction”.
    You should check his “The West Doesn’t Want to be Saved” post at his other blog.

    The people you see as “destroyers” can’t really decide the direction of history. They can ride it well like a horse and profit from changes.
    They aren’t the powerful evil gods some like to imagine; just very organized very smart people who love power and make their moves to maximize their share of power.
    While the wheel of history (a wheel rolling towards decline for the West) goes, independent of anyone’s will.

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