Goodbye, Star Wars
Well, hello there, Star Wars!
I said that I would give you one last chance. I said I would give Star Wars: The Last Jedi a shot and go in with an open mind, in the hope that it explained at least some of the many things that made literally no sense about the universe portrayed in The Force Awakens. After all, that’s what all the Star Wars fanboys said to me two years ago when I complained about The Force Awakens, “You have to wait until the next movie, Caleb! Then they’ll explain it!”
Okay. Challenge excepted, nerds. I went and saw the movie, excited to see these explanations that would redeem The Force Awakens.
Not only did the new movie not explain anything, it actually threw out just about everything in The Force Awakens, and even added more shit that made no sense. Some a few questions just off the top of my head…
1. Why do they still use X-Wings and Tie Fighters 35 years later? Again? (And I want an in universe answer, not a Disney business decision answer.)
2. Where did the Empire (I mean “the First Order”) get all of its vast money and power when they were thoroughly defeated in Return of the Jedi? Again?
3. How in the hell did The Empire (I mean “the First Order”) take over the entire fucking galaxy in the brief screen time between this movie and the last one? What the hell?
4. Why did the Empire (I mean “the First Order”) build yet another vast, gigantic, expensive super-weapon that can be easily destroyed in totality by hitting one little spot? They’ve done this four times now. Four. Seriously, are they all retards? How did retards like this take over the galaxy? Again?
5. How was Rey, who has never been trained to use a lightsaber in her entire life, able to easily kick the ass of numerous Imperial royal guards armed with super-weapons? I mean, huh? That entire scene made no sense. (Did you guys not hear us last time when we said having Rey be amazing at everything for no reason looks really stupid and makes no sense?)
6. Why does the AT-ST (the two-legged Imperial Walker) look exactly the same 35 years later?
7. Why are there at least four different scenarios in this movie that almost exactly mirror other situations or scenes in The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi? (Again, I want an in universe answer, not a Disney business decision answer.)
8. Why was the most powerful force user in these movies, the Emperor (I mean “Supreme Leader”) unable to read the mind and obvious intentions of Kylo Ren when he betrayed him with Luke’s lightsaber? Can you seriously imagine the original Emperor making such a blatant and stupid mistake?
9. How are you able to knock out a guy wearing a large helmet by slapping him with a floppy boot? (Really, Star Wars? Really? Is this what you’ve become?)
10. Why is there gravity in space? How are bombs “dropped” from a spaceship onto another spaceship in space? (If your answer is that they were self-propelled, then why do they need to be dropped by a spaceship at point-blank range instead of fired from far away?)
11. Why did the codebreaker only wait to break out of jail when Fin and Rose were added to his cell when he clearly could have broken out at any time?
12. Why did Fin and Rose trust a complete stranger when he said he’s a codebreaker just because he said so? Are Fin and Rose retarded? (Are all characters in Star Wars retarded now? Even in the prequels the characters weren’t retarded. Badly acted and boring, but not retarded.)
13. How are you able to have multiple scenarios in which a crowded room explodes, and literally everyone in the room is conveniently either dead or knocked out except the protagonists? Does the force magically steer fire and concussive blasts away from good guys now?
14. Why did the massive defeat of the destruction of the Death Star (I mean “Starkiller”) and all personnel on it in The Force Awakens do literally nothing to stop, or even slow the advance of the Empire (I mean the “First Order”)? Did all of the victories of The Force Awakens mean nothing? What was the point of that movie then?
15. If Leia is able to fly/float using the force, why has no other Jedi or Sith ever used this particular force power in any of the other seven Star Wars movies? (And no, force jumping is not flying or floating.)
16. Flying a ship at light speed into another ship blows it up. Okay, no problem, I’ll accept that, and it was a cool visual. But how does destroying one ship by flying into it at light speed automatically destroy all other ships in the vicinity, including those who are no where near the flight path of the ramming ship and too far away to be hit by debris?
17. Where did a low-end security guard in the Rebellion (I mean “The Resistance”) learn how to pilot a fighter?
18. Why is the most powerful Stormtrooper (“Captain Phasma”) so easily defeated? By a janitor? Again?
19. Why did… oh fuck it, I’m tired of this.
I could go on and on Star Wars, but my fingers are getting tired of typing out the myriad of ways your universe presented in the last two movies makes absolutely no sense in terms of the other seven Star Wars movies you’ve made.
(I like X-Wings and callbacks to Return of the Jedi too, but if you wanted to fill a movie with those things, you could have simply rebooted Star Wars, which I would have been fine with, or set these new Star Wars movies within the era of the original trilogy, like you did with Rogue One. That would have been awesome.)
But hey, you don’t have to answer my questions, Star Wars. This movie will make over a billion dollars despite these inconsistencies on top of the fact that it suffers from boring sequences, tonal problems, editing problems, useless story lines, pacing issues, and so on. Just like modern-day voters on both sides of the political isle, modern-day Star Wars fans lost their minds a long time ago and have embraced a heightened state of emotionalism and irrationality, so you don’t need to create a universe that makes any sense in order to be successful. I get that.
I’m just saying that you’re officially dead, at least in my view, and I’m done. This was my last attempt, and I can’t take it anymore. I’m not going to see any more Star Wars movies in the theater (unless something very unusual happens). I might see bits and pieces of upcoming movies at home, but that’s about it. I’d much rather watch the first three Star Wars movies, which were great, and the four prequels, which had major problems but at least made sense within the universe, than watch any of these new movies which have completely butchered the setting, literally to the point where every ten minutes while I’m watching I’m saying “Wait.. what?”
I don’t need movies to make sense. I can shut off my brain and enjoy all kinds of crap, as I’ve demonstrated many times in the past with my movie reviews. But I need the movies to make sense within the universes they create. I need consistency. This is why, for example, I can actually (somewhat) enjoy those god-awful Transformers movies. They’re horrible, but they’re always consistent within their universe. The Transformers movies exist in a fantasy reality where every human character is a stupid cartoon caricature, and where robots pee, grow beards, and have breath, and where the laws of physics don’t exist. Stupid, but okay, if that’s the universe, and you stick with it, I’ll accept it, and maybe I can enjoy it.
But it’s clear that since you know you’ll make a billion dollars per movie no matter what you do, you don’t give shit at all about the consistency of your universe anymore, Star Wars.
Which is fine. I’m a capitalist, so I’m glad you’re making money. But I’m done.
Hey, I tried.