It’s football season, American football that is. You know, the more violent version, because we Americans are a violent people. We love our violence, crime, guns, wars and action movies. Even our left-wing “peaceful” presidents like Bill Clinton and Obama will gleefully bomb thousands of people who never attacked us, including civilians, literally every day. The US has done great good for the world, but the price for that good is that everyone needs to put up with our violent nature, at least until we collapse in a few decades. (Then the world will have to put up with someone like China instead. Oh well.)
Our love of football is a reflection of this.
Football is one of the few areas in my life where I freely admit I’m not very manly. I hate football. It’s fucking boring. It’s a bunch of guys who run on a field for about eight seconds, then pause for about three minutes. Rinse and repeat, for about two hours. How is this fun?
I don’t like basketball either, but at least basketball moves quickly and things are actually happening. The majority of football is just sitting around waiting for people to do shit. I have no interest.
There is one good thing about football – the food. Tailgate food is the best damn food on earth. Jalapeño poppers dipped in ranch dressing. Slabs of meat covered in breading with cheese slathered on top. Last time I went to a Super Bowl party I had cheeseburger with mac and cheese and french fries in the burger. Oh baby! I wanted to make love to it before I ate it. With cuddling too.
I once made a football nacho that was stacked about a foot and a half high with every possible nacho ingredient you can think of. Oh, fuck yeah. Not good for your heart or cholesterol, but fuck it! It’s football!
This is why any time anyone invites me to a football game (in real life or on TV), if I have time in my schedule I usually go, even though I hate football and won’t be watching the game. I go because of the tailgate food. Game day is the day everyone drops their diets and gains 10 pounds eating mass quantities of food that will kill us while watching one of the most violent team sports in existence. It’s a beautiful thing. (If you’re not American, you won’t understand. That’s okay.)
I have thought about how to modify the game of football so that I would actually enjoy it. Since football sucks so much it would require a radical overhaul. Today, I present ‘Caleb Football,’ a much better game:
1. Remove 95% of the rules.
2. The armor the players wear is great, but why not give them weapons too? In Caleb Football, every player (except the ones that need to run fast) could select a large blunt object to use as a weapon against opposing players. Baseball bats, maces, 2x4s, crap like that. If an increase in armor or padding was required for safety reasons, that’s fine too. The gladiatorial aspect would make the game craptacular.
3. New rule: The game cannot be paused for any reason in increments of less than four minutes. Obviously, we’d have to put in exceptions for things like natural disasters, alien invasions, or Bane invading the football stadium, but other than that, once the players play ball, they keep playing for four minutes before anyone can stop the game or call a time out.
4. Any player who goes out of bounds is instantly removed from the game for the remainder of the four-minute interval. He can return to the game in the next interval, but only after a player on the opposing time gets to hit him one time with his weapon of choice. That will teach those damn players to pay attention to the fucking lines on the field. That’s why they’re there, man.
5. Every football would be embedded with a miniature explosive. One player on each team would have a detonator that he could use at any time, once per game. Now obviously, we can’t be killing football players left and right, so the bomb would be just enough to blow up the ball and burn the guy’s hands a little. No major damage would be caused unless the guy was holding the ball up against his head or something (better be careful!). Creative strategies would involve using the ball as an explosive missile against opposing players who were a problem (or hell, even against players within your own team, like that guy who banged your wife last season; it’s the NFL after all). If the ball was detonated during an interval, the game must go on, so the referee would immediately toss another football into an empty part of the field and the players would have to fight for it.
Now that’s a football I would watch. I wouldn’t miss a game. This entire blog would be about it.
Until then, I’ll just keep eating mac and cheese burgers while not watching the game.